The brain loop of loss & struggle to let go.
Hindsight is 20/20 - yes and when the loop starts in my head, I have to stop myself and remind myself I know SO MUCH more today than I did when whatever it was happened. It’s incredibly unfair to hold myself to a standard with more information I had at the time. Yet I do. I still struggle with this. If you do too, then perhaps something in here can help. Love you.
Greetings and salutations, my friends. This is Memory Plume checking in today. I'm testing this out because I've been having a hard time actually writing lately. I have lots of things written in pieces and parts, but nothing fully completed. It occurred to me the other day that maybe I should record my thoughts and then do a transcript. So, that's what I'm testing and this is your transcript. Edited a bit to clarify, but for the most part in whole. Thanks for your patience, understanding, and grace as I figure this out. It's quite a ride; I can tell you; it's really intense.
Today I woke up from dreams of work. My dreams were filled with people I used to work with and people I work with today. My Monkey Mind working overtime. Dredging up old feelings and beliefs. I'm just sitting in it, feeling the heaviness and the darkness. I'm also feeling the loss of a couple of friends recently. Not as in end-of-life loss, but as in I left my friend group loss. A decision that was very difficult and also very right and a choice I made. But today, for some reason, my brain is doing this loop, trying to blame them for me leaving.
It's actually hilarious because it was 100% my choice, but my brain is going: "You know they wanted you to leave. You know that they were talking about it and they wanted you out. That's why neither one of them asked you why or if you wanted to stay." I'm sitting here trying not to engage with that loop, and I'm really struggling with it. When we look at the past, we see it from a 360-degree angle. When we're living it, we don't have that; we only have our own perspective, however wide or narrow that is.
Right now, I'm calling my energy back. I'm letting whatever emotions come up, come up—looking at them and experiencing them, even the really shitty ones—and then letting them go. I'm struggling with the "letting go" part, but I know this is part of me integrating. It's part of me saying goodbye once and for all.
If anybody else out there is feeling this way, I see you, I hear you, and I am holding this space for you. Feel all the feels, even the yucky, gross, disgusting ones you don't want to touch. Feel them, because that is how the release happens. For myself, it was a hard decision I made. I love these women, but what I needed to do in my life wasn't possible with them - that’s what I felt. What I believed. Their response and reaction is theirs, not mine. I'm trying to keep that separate.
A loss is a loss, whether you chose it or not. So, I am sitting with that loss today, trying to integrate what that dream brought up and being gentle with myself. If you're stuck in a rut, playing a loop in your head over and over and feeling all the yucky feelings—shame, anger, humiliation, loneliness, heartache—I see you. I love you, and we're holding the space for you. Take care of yourselves today. Love you. M